Their ring leader is named Herm and he's the only minority--a Peruvian--in the entire group of white dudes. He's always eating, any time of day, and always the same thing: this slimy phallic-shaped piece of rubber disguised as a hotdog. His head is not really a normal head in that he only has one ear--lost the second in some sort of bike accident. He is pretty fat, and has stubby legs that are straight and have no curves. The funniest part about him though, is that he always carries a pet bird named Tonto who he keeps not in a cage, but on a leash, the way you might your bichon fries. Tonto sits on his shoulder and can supposedly speak though I've never heard a word.
"Speak Tonto! Speak!"
Herm is the sort of guy who, if you didn't know he was involved in his own little ring of unorganized crime, you might figure him to be a desk man or a bell boy--something in the hotel industry. He is sort of charming to people who he doesn't steal from and if he reaches to scratch his head when you're around him, you'll see that he wears a Smurf collector's item watch. Really takes away from the whole bandit shtick. I've seen him with other members of his family, his mother most often, doing some of the most ordinary things: grocery shopping, eating dinner, walking to church. Herm's a pretty normal dude, it's just that when other people reach into desk drawers, Herm reaches into pockets.
"Tonto! Speak!"
Herm is also very interested in outer space and claims that after he eats lunch, he's starting a new TV show called Pimp My Spaceship. While no one really believes him, it is in all our best interests to humor him with his stupid little idea the way you might your four year-old. ("Yes honey, you can become a Transformer when you grow up.")
I would usually be weary of a criminal who says he collects things, but Herm's collection is fun: he collects frisbees. He keeps them stacked all neatly, like pancakes, in this box that appears to once have belonged to a top hat. Being from Paraguay, he has trouble with English and often confuses words like cheesesteak and cheapskate. This problem with English has actually cemented our bond as friends.
One fun thing about being an American in a foreign country is that I am--by default--an ambassador to the English language: my expertise and wisdom highly sought after. Everywhere I go, without any background check or anything, people will rely on me to be their source for everything English. Herm is one of my students, if you want to call him that, and I enjoy teaching him not because I want him to learn, but because listening to Herm try to speak English is incredibly entertaining to me. Going along with the abnormal theme of our relationship, is the fact that Herm for the most part, has no interest in learning normal English. No, he is strictly into porn terminology and food. A funny combination, but I'm not about to ask.
"Herm, Speak!" About Author
Matt is a pickpocket in his spare time: http://www.thepanamareport.com
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